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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 10, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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an. now tell your mom to get off the phone and plug in your modem. it's @midnight. ♪ (cheers and applause) ow! ow! spank me once, shame at you. spank me twice, now we're talking. clinton and trump are at it again. the apple doesn't fall far from the pc. and damn it, janet, animal planet. holy moly, it's @midnight! (applause and cheering) i'm struggling actor kato kaelin. and now, here's your host, a man whose tips are so frosted, you'd think they were flakes! chris hardwick! chris hardwick! (applause and cheering) what's happening?
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what's up? yeah. (applause and cheering) -all right! -(kaelin whoops) hardwick: welcome. (cheers and applause) all right. thank you, kato kaelin. all right. welcome to @midnight, the show (dramatically): that will go down on you in a theater. -(applause and cheering) -now, let's see what's going on in the chat room. -chat room. -(high-pitched modem beeps) -(laughter) -(static) (beep, static) (laughter) -all right. -(cheers and applause) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. now you get all of that. well, clinton and trump are at it again. yeah. donald "second marriage" trump is saying the affair that president bill "ruin marriage" clinton had with monica lewinsky would pale in comparison to the multiple affairs he would have if he were president. there he is. the tangerine dreamboat
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told cnbc that he'd be even sleazier. take a look! -(laughter) -yes! -did he just...? -yeah. -(applause and cheering) (kaelin whoops) hillary clinton herself, a woman, had this response. my mama always told me the white house is like a box of chocolates. it's pretty on the outside, but inside, there's lots of nuts. (laughter) -hee haw. -yeah. -(applause and cheering) it's hee haw. they got very excited about that. kaelin: i... i... she could be president some day, maybe after, like, a black guy. uh... -(laughter and groaning) -kaelin: no way. no way. personal animus aside, politicians and corporate billionaires go together like cigars and oval offices. i'm sure the trumps and clintons run into each other socially all the time.
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so, comedians, what's a toast hillary clinton might make to donald trump? emo philips. roses are red. violets are blue. you are so, so, so lucky nothing rhymes with orange. -(laughter) -hardwick: yes. very good. points to emo philips. (applause and cheering) wish we had a system to keep track of that, but we don't. uh, margaret cho. to donald trump, the nicest, least racist man i've ever met. hardwick: yes. excellent. points. (applause and cheering) jaleel white. donald trump, here is to your daughter. now she's pretty hot, but just a reminder, just because she's 18, it's still illegal to (bleep) your daughter. hardwick: all right. -oh. -(cheers and applause) -you get points for that. -salud! points for that. next up-- get out of my dreams and into my car... -(modem beeping) -ah!
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-white: got to wait for this, man. -(static) hardwick: connection speeds aren't that great. we're connected to 2400 baud. next-- get out of my dreams and into my car phone. you can tell someone's a big shot in this decade if they carry one of these cellular telephones, just like bayside high's own sociopathic teen heartthrob zack morris! there he is. -(cheers and applause) -talking on the phone. (kaelin whoops) -they're on the... -so compact. it's only 12 pounds. -i don't know how they make 'em lighter each year. -spotter. -spotter. -this is... yeah, a spotter. yeah, you need a spotter. you're doing curls with this thing. could almost fit into any german's fanny pack. now i predict that in 20 years, everyone's gonna be carrying these around somehow, and they'll be using them to send pictures of penises, -exactly like jaleel white predicted. -yes. comedians, what is a call you might make on your teeny tiny telephones? uh, margaret? hi. i'd like to buy a ticket for the nirvana show. oh, it's sold out? that's okay. they'll be around forever. -(laughter, applause & cheering) -points. they will.
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(applause and cheering) oh, not good. -uh, jaleel. -what's up?! hardwick: all right. points. -(cheers and applause) -points. hardwick: i... -cannot envision a... -oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! -dad died? -oh. -(audience groaning & sighing) (applause and cheering) -family matters matter. -hardwick: yeah. that was really funny. points to kato for that. uh, emo. i think i'm about to lose you. i'm going into a single's bar to meet someone else. hardwick: all right. points. -(applause and cheering) -that was... -but that really... hardwick: that's it for the chat room. now let's check in with our comedians. from abc's all-american girl, a very popular network show, and a future contestant on super special double dare, margaret cho! (cheers and applause)
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and... here to promote his nutritious new cereal, urkel-o's, jaleel white! (cheering, applause) it's so good. and reigning mvp of the rock n' jock softball challenge on mtv, emo philips! (cheering, applause) and now, everyone, it's time for tonight's #poundsignwars. (cheering, applause) now... this is the part of the show where you, the audience, can join in on the "fun," end quote, by faxing us your jokes. just make sure you put the pound sign... or... or octothorp, as i'm sure it will be widely known in the future, uh, just put that in front so we can keep your jokes separate from all of kato's fan mail. uh, jack sr., what is that fax number again
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for the home audience? there it is! 323.978.6608. it actually works. fax us your jokes. hey, guys, it's the '90s! this is the most technologically advanced decade of all time. i'm talkin' laser disks, i'm talkin' pagers, i'm talkin' over 150 web sites, only half of which are under repair. -life moves... really fast -(laughter) in the age of the 72-hour news cycle and the three-day blockbuster rentals-- be kind, rewind-- so i want you to describe this fantastic decade in only five words. you have 60 seconds on the clock, and begin. -emo. -we're happy paying for music. -points! -(laughter, whooping) anyone else? jaleel white. britney and justin broke up? (sobbing) -points. -(audience aw'ing) they'll work it out. uh... emo. "al-qaeda planning to..." -eh. -all right, points. -(applause) -margaret. golden girls are so young.
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-all right, points. -(laughter, applause) jaleel. everyone still loves bill cosby. -points. yeah. absolutely. -(groaning, shouting) -i mean... -(applause) -white: yeah! i don't... he is the king. i mean, he'd have to do something horrific to numerous people... -(laughter) -right? -to ever fall out of favor with the american people. come on, man, we love them pudding pops forever. yeah, that's right! it's the best! uh, emo. photos back? in one hour? -points. points. -(laughter) anyone else? margaret cho. screech is waving a knife. -all right, points. -(laughter) anyone else? i will never win a heisman. (laughing) kaelin: i don't know. i won't. -i don't play football. -but i think i know someone -who could steal one for you. -(shouting, groaning) (applause) that is a perfect place to end the #poundsignwars. now go enjoy 12 ads for psychic hotlines and a food dehydrator. we'll be right back with more @midnight:
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definitely the '90s. take us to the break, shy girls! ♪ fax your #90sin5words to 323.978.6608. don't forget to put the pound sign in front, mm? tof apples per year.ts twenty-three pounds and drinks 270 beers per year. beer plus the crisp taste of apples? looks like redd's saved everyone a step. redd's apple ale. together we beer.
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so you'rhow nice.a party? i'll be right there. and the butchery begins. what am i gonna wear? this party is super fancy. let's go. i'm ready. are you my uber? [ horn honks ] hold on. don't wait for watchathon week to return. [ doorbell rings ] who's that? show me netflix. sign up for netflix on x1 today and keep watching all year long. if someone pages you and they write "58008," -it spells "boobs" upside down. -(laughter) it's so good. anyway, we're back. it's time to play pop up (bleep)-eo. here to tell you all about it is lenscrafters' entertainer of the year, lisa loeb! -♪ -(cheering)
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-hey, lisa. -hi. -(cheering, whistling) -hi. -nice to see you. -you, too. you know, as you all know, it is currently the '90s, and it's a great time for music. not only are david bowie and prince still alive, -(laughter) -but we've got amazing current bands churning out soon-to-be classic songs. godsmack, ace of base, hootie & the blowfish, -hanson, creed, -(whooping) phish with a p-h, -and korn with a k. -yeah! -(cheering) -they're all definitely not embarrassing, and without a doubt will hold up in 2016. -mm-hmm. -which is a random year i picked. -totally. -um, something that's also big in the '90s, there's this new show called pop-up video, -yeah, it's so good! -uh, where facts pop up during music videos. -mm-hmm. -comedians, we will show you a video from this decade, um, that we're in right now, and you're going to tell me a fact that would pop up during it. great. thank you so much, lisa loeb. do you want to date for a couple months in a few years?
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-sure. i mean, that's something we'll really do. -okay. -and then people will be able to look it up. -yeah, cool. -thanks. i'll see you then. -(cheering, applause) -thank you, lisa loeb. -yeah. (whooping, cheering) first up, from america's hottest sitcom blossom, here's heartthrob joey lawrence with "nothin' my love can't fix." ♪ this is the way ♪ to turn your world around ♪ we all get lonely ♪ but if you just hold me ♪ oh ♪ ♪ there's nothing my love can't fix. ♪ hardwick: yeah. i mean... comedians, what is this pop up telling us? margaret. this is best enjoyed with a puka shell necklace -around your balls. -yes, points. emo. if you have any information about this boy's disappearance...
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points to emo philips. let's see what the actual fact is. the pop up video fact is: "during production joey lawrence literally fingered hundreds of interns." fun. uh... whoa! uh... next up, the sexy, sexy hits just keep on coming. here's kenny g. oh, i tell you. he is the pied piper of pussy, you guys. comedians... (cheering, applause) what is this fact about this video? emo. the reed in his mouthpiece is from the actual cross.
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all right, points. points. uh... margaret. this video proves that whites are the worst race. all right, points. points. jaleel white. the sax is the same length, width and smoothness as kenny's dick. all right, points. women talk. women talk. women talk. points. uh, let's see what the image actually says. it says, "the g stands for 'g-esus christ, this sucks!'" why are we listening to this? very good. next up... here's ecuador's own gerardo with rico suave. he needs no introduction. ♪ rico ♪ suave ♪ my only addiction has to do with the female species ♪
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♪ i eat 'em raw like sushi ah, my gosh, what a terrible decade this is. comedians, what's the pop up fact? jaleel. rico suave is actually spanish for "gonarrhea." all right, points. margaret cho. he's impotent from overwaxing. that is the end of pop up (bleep). all right, let's do a recap. let's look at our inbox and see what tonight's speed game is gonna be, kato kaelin. (high-pitched modem squawking) i can't wait to find out what it is. -i'm gonna find out in a second. -while we're waiting for our image to download, stay tuned for our challenge when we come back with more @midnight. -♪ -(cheering, applause) kaelin: this september 11th never forget... that it's harry connick jr.'s birthday. whoa! harry, happy birthday.
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that gentleman jack gets its exceptional smoothness
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-♪ -(cheering, applause) kaelin: if you'd like to be a contestant on @midnight, send a selfie... oh, i said "selfie"... addressed stamped envelope plus $5.99 shipping and handling to: @midnight, pueblo, colorado. sorry, tennessee. once again, here's chris hardwick! oh, hello. welcome back. we're still waiting for this picture to download so we can see what the speed game is, and... almost. whoa, record time. there it is.
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white: pretty fast. it's century twenty-fun. totally worth the wait. we are living in some great times. the stock market is soaring, there hasn't been a major terror attack in decades, super easy to get to the airport, george lucas finally has the technology to go back in and put in some cool new stuff in the original star wars, chinese democracy's gonna be out any day, vaping hasn't been invented yet, and the internet's ushering in a new age of understanding and civility. and we can only assume that the 21st century's gonna be even better. unless, of course, we all die in the y2k bug, which is a real threat we should be taking very seriously. so, comedians, i would like you to give me as many 21st century predictions as you can for the next millennium. i'm gonna put 60 seconds on the clock. and begin. uh, emo. you'll be able to get e-mail, take photos, and even shoot videos on your pager. all right, points. that's an exciting thing that'll be coming up. jaleel. people will become obsessed with a type of cabbage called kale. -what? -yes. -ugh.
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that's just the stuff they put as a garnish. -yeah. -all right, points. margaret. dumbledore's gay and people care. all right, points. emo. you'll be able to order anything online and, within 24 hours, have it stolen right from your front porch. -points. emo. -crazy. people will take photos of their food even if they're not mentally ill. (cheering and applause) margaret. gluten continues to not be a problem. all right, great. jaleel. we will finally have a black president solve racism! all right, points! -we're getting that. that's comin'. -hallelujah! hallelujah! that's comin'. that brings us to the end of century twenty-fun. i hate to say this. aw. looking at your crt screen, i see, jaleel white, you are in third place. i am so sorry. you know what that means. i don't know. what?! here's blanka from street fighter to slime you!
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-(growling) -(cheering and applause) (groaning) (cheering and applause) (growling) you may think he's got crazy hair, but he's from brazil, so you know that pussy and ass are super smooth, y'all. -(cheering) -thanks, blanka. love the video game, street fighter. i'm sure the street fighter movie's gonna be even better than star wars! (cheering and applause) now it's time to duke out with your cuke out-- it's for the win. what will our winner win tonight, kato kaelin? winners of @midnight will receive myst, the exciting mystery game that keeps you riveted for hour on end! and you can play myst on your new nintendo power glove! you will never get a p... a better video game-controlling glove than the nintendo power glove!
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nintendo power glove. not for the use with myst. winners also receive la gear, a fanny pack full of snap bracelets, hypercolor t-shirts, a lifetime supply of scrunchies, and a case logic cd case. take it in your car, but remember to cover it with a jacket so it doesn't get stolen. case logic. also, $75,000! thanks, kato. hey, can you get rid of this glove for me? uh, we'll find out what our comedians will be up against when we come back with more of the @midnight program. take us out, shy girls! -♪ -(cheering and applause) red line, 20 minute delay. take us out, shy gioh, no. (rhythmic clatter) can't get a signal? so annoying, right? yeah, and i'm late for a job interview. hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds? thank you. you need verizon. they have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. it's made to work in places like this. with verizon unlimited, we could video chat the interview in hd right here. okay. hey, man, i'll cue you. (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited.
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see how much you could save on car insurance. or am i in tennaginia? hmmm... -♪ -(whooping, rhythmic clapping) welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play for the win. over the break, we had kato toss to find out what your final challenge was gonna be. kato came up heads, which was w.w.j.a.? your challenge, what would jeeves answer? what would jeeves answer? i'd also like to thank, uh, kato for filling in for our normal cohost, jenny mccarthy, who could not be here today. um... (cheering and applause) you know, a search engine, uh, have a dumb name like "google" but probably not ever. so why would you when you could just ask jeeves? we all use ask jeeves so much, uh, the poor guy probably can't get any sleep. over the break, i asked comedians, in this day and age, in the 1990s, what's the number one thing people are asking jeeves? and let's see what you wrote. first one... hardwick (reading):
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very popular search term. very popular search string. or number two... hardwick (reading): sounds like number two was the winner. who was number two? emo philips has won the internet! emo philips has won the '90s! he's the funniest american online. he just won himself a dinner for four with the menendez parents and 400 free hours of aol! i'd like to thank all of our comedians, my cohost kato kaelin. uh, do you have any plans this weekend? yeah, i'm-i'm gonna hang out at some dude's house in brentwood. -long story. are you busy? -anyone i know? -are you hanging out with anyone... -a sport guy. -you probably wouldn't like him. -okay, yeah, i don't know. all right, well, thanks for watching! check us out on geocities or visit... hardwick (reading): all lowercase. for more info. tomorrow, our guests will be janeane garofalo, johnny rzeznik of the goo goo dolls, and 15-year-old comedy contest winner seth rogen! we'll see you tomorrow at midnight!
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- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - all right, miss sanders, all ready for your abortion? [audience laughter] - ready as i'm ever going to be, i guess. - well, try to relax. it will all be over very soon. [laughter] - doctor, can we turn off that television? - oh, yes, i'm sorry.

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